Less awkward than not

It is a weekend night, and you have just spent all evening with a fellow who was nice enough to walk you to your door. How sweet. As is the case with males you know but don’t really know, like but don’t really see often, are “friends” with but have never shared a meal, it is easy to be confused about your romantic status. Is this the beginning of a beautiful friendship or a prelude to a kiss? One slight caveat: you really only see this guy as a friend.

So back to your doorstep, you give the guy a hug, because that is what you do with people who are your “friends” and then he does what you sort of expected he was going to do: he goes in for the kiss. In this moment you have a choice: you can either pull your face away from his or you can put your lips up for rent, either way, things are about to get hilarious.

The logic behind “less awkward than not” can produce some of the most humorously awkward situations known to human kind. If you are a girl who will kiss a guy because it is sometimes less awkward to do that than to reject him, you are certainly not alone. Rejecting someone that you would like to continue being friends with can get very touchy, and in my experience, can frequently end all communication between two people for months (if not years). An unexpected make out is not always a bad thing and sometimes it can lead to camaraderie between two people that would not have developed otherwise (we’ve shared spit, so he really gets me now).

However, I have also seen the idea of “less awkward than not” turn sinister. You opt for the less awkward make out, then it’s the less awkward boob grab and suddenly you have found yourself in a situation that you want to opt out of. This is not what I am talking about here. Awkwardness should never be a reason to stop advocating for yourself or to remain silent when you feel uncomfortable. Never do something you don’t want to do.

When done correctly, the “less awkward” make out can lead to some of life’s most hilarious encounters. Ever wonder what that strange guy in your chemistry lab kisses like? No? Well, chances are some lucky lady has found out (and it was probably me). And it doesn’t stop there, no, no, I know a girl who once dated a guy for two extra months because it was less awkward to do that than to break up with him. He was about to graduate anyway and she didn’t want to deal with seeing an “ex” around campus. Instead, every time she knew he was going to put the moves on her, she suggested they get really drunk or high and he would just pass out. Worked like a charm.

Pulling a “less awkward than not” is sort of like telling a white lie and you must use similar discretion. If you are a person who is prone to making morally ambiguous decisions, maybe this little social tool is not for you. It is also important to remember that you could be on the receiving end of someone’s “less awkward” social courtesy. Times that one must be particularly wary of this include: Greek life formal functions, date nights, sports team functions or really anything with “screw” in the title. Social mores in these situations almost always dictate that there will be some kind of hookup, so it is important to know when it is genuine and when it is just the “less awkward” thing to do.

However, social mores aside, if the breath is bad, just say no.

- DeeDee

In the 'Cac

A little while ago I was contacted to contribute a post to one of the Huffington Post's college blogs, The 'Cac. The post touches on a lot of themes that will be familiar to my readers but is written a little more professionally (with the help of In the 'Cac) and a lot less colloquially. There is a "He Said" part to this post written to counter my "She Said" ideas so make sure to check that out as well. I hope you like it!


She Said:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/the-cac/college-hookups_b_984280.html


He Said: 
http://inthecac.com/2011/10/18/the-rebuttal/

The Rules

These are the hookup rules I have observed people use over the past four years. While many are about texting or digital culture, I find that a large part of hooking up is in the electronic communication before hand.  You still communicate P2P?! That is so 1995.

Rule #10: Firsts - Don’t text a guy first.

Rule #9: Doubles - Don’t double text.

Rule #8: Rings - Never call. If he calls you, feel honored, you’ve found a winner.

Rule #7: Watch the Clock - Take the same amount of time to text a person as it takes for them to text you.

Rule #6: Stalker - Don’t friend request someone sooner than 3 days after you have met them.

Rule #5: Word of Mouth - Don’t do anything you wouldn’t be happy with a whole frat or sports team knowing.

Rule #4: Booty Call - If a guy texts you after midnight, he just wants sex. If you want more than just a physical relationship with him, don’t go.

Rule #3: The Big S - A sober hookup is a serious hookup.

Rule #2: Call in Sick - If you’re feeling sick, go home. Do you want your crush to remember you as “the girl who threw up on me”?

Rule #1: The Golden Rule - Don’t get too attached.

- DeeDee

Campus Celebrity

While I fear I am far from being a campus celeb, Her Campus Tufts contacted me this week about doing an interview for the "campus celebrities" section of their site. The following link is the highly polished version of my ramblings.


http://www.hercampus.com/school/tufts/dateless-diva


Thank you, Her Campus Tufts, for reading.


#shamelessselfpromotion

- DeeDee

I wish he was my Boyfriend

Boyfriend. The word men fear and women swoon over. With a boyfriend you are never alone. Want to stay in on Saturday night but feeling kind of lame about it? No problem! Call your boyfriend. He will come over, watch a movie with you, and you can still call your night a success. Because you weren’t by yourself, you were with your boyfriend, and you probably had sex! Isn’t cuddling fun?

If you are one of those woman that have scored the oh holiest of holy grails at this University, congratulations. You, my friend, have found the chupacabra. A relationship in which a guy wants to stay is rare at this point in our young lives. The people I know in relationships at Tufts seem to be fairly happy and the women I know who are in perpetual search of them seem to be fairly unhappy – with their love lives, at least. Of course there are exceptions to every general statement.

I truly understand many males’ desire to be single. Really, I do. Who wants a crazy biznatch cramping your style and keeping you from spreading your seed? Not me. Run wild and free, I say. Bitches be crazy. But, not all bitches want a relationship. That is one assumption about the female sex that makes me cringe, especially when it ends perfectly nice hookups. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard a guy say, “Yeah, I liked her, but I didn’t want to keep hooking up and have her start getting the wrong idea.” The wrong idea about what? That you might want to see her while the sun is still up? PUH-LEASE, don’t put yourself out.

I feel as though just the threat of the “R” word keeps many people from actually being part of a couple. Because really, how are you supposed to discover someone’s charming attributes over a game of beer pong and the vertical joyride? And baby, that’s all you’ll be gettin’ if the object of your desire is hell bent on upholding that old cliché: in college everyone is single.

However, if you are one of those ladies (or gents) in perpetual search of the big B (or G), fear not, for not all hope is lost. One day you will graduate!!! Just kidding (I am never going to graduate)! My advice to you is this: stop looking. Truth be told, at this age you are probably not going to find what you seek. Relationships never seem to find those people that are dying to have one and I think the best thing you can do is learn how to make yourself happy by just being with yourself.

I am a great date and I love taking myself to the movies. Best part about being with me: I never have to worry about having food in my teeth and I don’t stress when I have to fart. Still though, it doesn’t do much to warm my bed, I’ll give you that.

There comes a time in college that every girl must decide for herself: to hookup or not to hookup? If you know that what you truly want is a relationship, I advise you to abstain. For you, a hookup can only lead to heartbreak. It’s not an easy decision to make, but once you know what you want, you should pursue it, even if it means being celibate. Once you make that commitment, I think getting rejected stings less. If a guy can’t give you what you want, why waste your precious time? Also, you avoid one of worst things about hookup culture: thinking you are interchangeable with someone else. It sucks to be just a warm body or just another pair of willing lips.

If you are someone who just needs a Mr. Right Now, then I advise you to make sure Mr. Right Now likes you for you and not just what you can do for him. Try getting to know each other a little, because then if it ends, maybe you will have made a friend (doubtful, but maybe). However, if the sex is really good, then hold onto that shit because that is rare at our age. Only hookup if you are also getting something out of it (other than just the promise that it might lead to more) and that will (hopefully) keep you from feeling used.

In the mean time, if you are feeling blue, ask yourself this: Do you really like your crush enough to have their hairy, sweaty ass in your bed day after day? Yeah, didn’t think so.

- DeeDee

Under Pressure

In this blog I will joke a lot about how undesirable I am. I mean, in the real world I am quite a catch, but in Tuftslandia I might as well be that smelly girl that everyone would run from in elementary school. Because really, what Jumbro at this school is going to want a girl that will tell him to reach for his right hand when bootycalled texted at 1AM? However, I wasn’t always this sassy. In fact, freshman year I did pretty ok for myself (and by ok, I mean I kissed like 3 people). Mostly because I was behaving like I thought I should and not how my mamma raised me.

It’s pretty hard when you are a freshman girl to resist those novel stares from older guys. You are the meat; they are the chopping block. That’s not to say that all older guys have bad intensions, you both just have different expectations. It’s hard to say no. It’s hard to know what is expected of you. It’s hard to know when you are being a prude and when you are just being reasonable. But, what isn’t hard is knowing what you expect from yourself.

One of my first older guy/freshman girl experiences was with a guy that, now when I think about hooking up with him, makes me want to vomit on his penis. Let’s just say he had one of those initial names, and not the cute kind. I met him at a party that I discovered by trolling for loud music, so it was still very early into my freshman career. He poured me a beer; we exchanged numbers, later we hooked up. We went further than I wanted but not as far as he wanted. I don’t know if he explicitly pressured me but I think when you are a freshman girl, a lot of the pressure is internal. You don’t want to seem like a freshman, or sexually inexperienced, or worst yet – you don’t want to be called a prude.

I saw him a couple times after that, never doing much more, and I always felt so icky after. I was obviously stupid enough to be hooking up with this guy but not stupid enough to realize I needed it to stop. One night I met up with him at a frat party. I felt so cool because he knew some of the brothers so he was able to get us past the line. We talked and danced, he invited me back to his place, I refused saying that I needed to get to bed, and so he offered to walk me back to my dorm. “I’m fine, I’m fine!” I insisted. It really was only a couple blocks away. But he wouldn’t let me go without him and trust me; I tried my hardest to ditch him. First I tried to dodge him at the door to my dorm and we stood out there for 30 minutes because he wouldn’t let me go in without him. Then we sat in my common room for literally an hour and a half and he was all over me. I remember seeing some of my floor mates and feeling mortified. Why wouldn’t he leave me alone? I tried to tell him I needed to go over and over but he wouldn’t listen and would try to follow me up to my room. I insisted that my roommate was asleep, he couldn’t come in, but he said he didn’t care. Finally, I was sick of it, I ran away from him into my room and shut the door. He banged on the door for 10 minutes yelling my name and begging for me to open the door. Then he sat outside my door for 30 minutes, like he thought I was kidding, (because all girls are just joking when they say no, right?) until finally, he left. I think that was the most scared I’ve ever been at Tufts.

So what do I wish I would have known freshman year?

• I wish I would have known how to say FUCK OFF! And not just to men, but to my own insecurities.
• I wish I would have known that giving a dude a little action, if you don’t feel like it, isn’t going to make the situation feel less awkward, it’s going to make you feel disgusting.  
• That having a dude text you and say “come over” is about as exciting as taking a shit. Don’t get too worked up about it and if it is after 12am, don’t go.
• That any horrible situation is going to make an incredibly hilarious story later. Who knows? You might even make it into a spring flight shirt.
• During a hook up, if you are ever uncomfortable or decide you would rather be home, just leave. Seriously. The worst that will happen is that he will stop talking to you (oh wait, that will happen anyway) and at best you will just seem very mysterious. If anyone asks about it just be like, “He didn’t know what he was doing.”
• And always remember: Douchebags are never the answer.

- DeeDee

What I wish...

Since the first few weeks of school always seem to be centered around the freshman, I thought I would do a post dedicated to the same. I asked three different women what they wish they would have known about Tufts dating/hookup culture when they were in their first year. The following is what they came up with: 

DiamondInTheRough:

• ·      Boys don’t go on dates
• ·      Boys just want to have sex with you
• ·      Boys aren’t going to text you on a Wednesday because they are thinking about homework or a fantasy football draft and they don’t think they are going to hook up with a girl on a weeknight.
• ·      Guys care about quantity of girls not quality. It’s not about you. It isn’t. I wish it wasn’t true.
• ·      Boys in college aren’t logical. They are not thinking with their brain. So there is no point for you to try and figure out their motives and logic because guess what, there is no rhyme or reason to what they do.
• ·      Being boy crazy gets you nowhere.
• ·      Don’t be fooled into thinking the people you are hooking up with are your friends. If I had spent less time freshman year with the boy I was hooking up with and more time building friendships with new people, it would have been a lot better use of my time. Especially because my hookup and I no longer speak.
• ·      I don’t think losing your virginity is really important. The people I know who have lost it under pressure in college have only become more insecure since. I’m alive and I’m a virgin  -- you’ll live.
• ·      Tufts is a small school you will see everyone many times again. Keep that in mind.

GirlNextDoor:

• ·      Not every male is a rapist – I spent most of my high school career afraid of the male species.  When I came to college, I realized that that simply is not true.  However, there are a few guys who you do need to be careful with because they are just too stupid to know better. 
• ·      The fact that boys don’t really want to take you out on dates is not because you are not worth it, but they forget that’s kind of how the process is supposed to work.  Drunken hook ups are easy for them, dinner dates are “difficult” and not to mention scary.  (Boys are probably a lot more scared of you than you are of them and they can't handle rejection nearly as well.) 
• ·      Having high standards for yourself will always serve you better than having low ones, even if your dating life seems like feast or famine.  Remember that sometimes you have the upper hand.  Boys will always be a little scared of girls.

FooledMeOnce:

• ·      This is a FACT: boys in fraternities discuss hookups with ALL of their brothers. Whether via email or at a brothers meeting, his friends will know most (if not all) of the details.
• ·      Older guys have "moves" that they know work repeatedly- don’t fall for them!! 
• ·      Mystery is good. If every guy on campus knows who you are before first semester midterms (there is always that group of freshman girls- you know, the one that names itself?), you will be old news very fast, people will make up lies about you, and many, many girls will think you are very gross from a distance and reputations are hard to change at Tufts. 
• ·      You can be somewhat demanding with a non-frosh guy who is trying to hook up with you. They already believe they have the upper hand because they are older than you, so if you give in right from the start, you will be treating like a dumb, easy freshman and nothing more than that. Try to have just a little self respect and a bit of a backbone...if they end up not hooking up with you because of that, don’t take it personally, you are not the first and last girl he has been a dbag to, and he is not the last guy you’ll hook up with at tufts.
• ·      You DO NOT need to be at every party. That is lame (especially because the majority of parties at Tufts suck). People will stop reaching out to you to hang out if they know they’ll see you later in the night and by people I mean boys.
• ·      Don’t disregard freshman boys just because they are in your class and have less "social clout" (whatever that might mean at Tufts) than upperclassmen who are trying to get in your pants. When you are a senior girl and they stop paying attention to you and only to younger girls, you will feel really shitty about "the scene". This is what most of them feel like now.
• ·      Don’t be THAT girl!!!! vom dot com, everyone hates them, mean girls is very 2004, and nobody cares about social hierarchy enough at Tufts to value someone who is "the queen bee".
• ·      Avoid hooking up with roommates, best friends, pledge brothers, etc.