How do you know?

Hooking up can be a blast. I've certainly benefitted from hookup culture and I think it's great that girls can have casual and unexclusive relationships before we settle down and have babies. I'm not against hooking up and I do it all the time. But it can often be stressful, even painful. My friends and I have experienced this a lot. A guy’s attention wanders, or he isn’t trying as hard, or the girl wants things to develop but they don’t. She isn't getting what she wants and she starts to feel bad. But she rarely tells the guy about these feelings (she tells her friends instead). She feels she can't be honest because girls at Tufts are expected to be cool and casual about relationships. We're taught that guys are skittish creatures who will basically die if you are too affectionate or attached. So we've become wary about revealing too much. Guys here are in a position of power where they control the intensity of relationships and determine if and when a relationship will become serious. Sometimes it feels like a girl's only power in a hookup is to say no. Things a girl is not allowed to ask for include: hanging out in daylight, being exclusive, and (forbidden!) going on a date. We have very little initiative power and are often made to feel bad about what we want. A guy never feels guilty saying that he doesn't want a relationship, but a girl is made to feel stupid about telling him that she does. “I'm not looking for anything serious,” a guy says, “That’s cool with me. Me neither,” I've heard myself reply, preserving the façade of “chill girl” but knowing I’m lying to myself and to him. Sometimes I've been honest when I've said that I want no strings attached, but other times I've felt pressured into accepting an arrangement I didn't want. That's not to suggest that a girl always wants to go on a date or be 'wifed up,' but she will often want more than what the guy is giving her. 


This may be because at Tufts, a guy needs to do very little to win a girl's heart. Talk to her at a party once, then text her on Saturday nights and let her sleep over and she is sold. That's part of the problem. Why are we so impressed by so little effort? It's treated as some sort of miracle if a guy texts you sober (“that's so sweet! He must really like you!”), but shouldn't that just be the standard? Sometimes it feels like a guy only has to be 10% as nice to you as he is an asshole to you in order to hold your attention. Girls at Tufts should be wary of falling too fast, too soon – “Still haven't heard from the guy I met last night. Should I call the police?” -- and of giving their hearts to boys who haven't earned them. One thing I've found myself doing again and again is taking a hookup more seriously than it actually is. I think this is a common problem at Tufts. The girl is in denial that the relationship isn't going anywhere, and instead of looking for someone else, she clings harder to a guy who isn't falling for her. She tries to maintain her connection to him at any cost, even when that cost is her own hurt feelings. We've been taught to value male attention so much that when we're not getting enough out of a relationship, the first thought is often “How can I change things so he'll want me more” instead of “He should change things so that I want him more! I'm out.” An important thing to keep in mind is that if you're hooking up, that's usually all it is. If he wanted to ask you out, he would have. Don't take a guy too seriously until he proves he is serious about you. In the meantime, if you feel confused, follow these guidelines. You are a hookup if: 

• Guy only texts/sees you on the weekends.
• Guy only ever sees you in group settings.
• Guy ignores you for most of the night and then chats you up at the end of the night so he can take you home.
• Guy shepherds you out right after you wake up the morning after (if you are granted a sleepover).
• The thought of asking guy to lunch strikes fear into your heart.
• When guy sees you in the dining hall or on the way to class, he waves and keeps walking.
• Guy never mentions being exclusive or getting more serious and seems uncomfortable when you do.

- IfLooksCouldKill